Financial Journey
(featured column)

You Can Jointly Manage Your Finances without Feuding

by Karen Kuebler

Finance problems are cited as one of the leading causes of divorce in this country.  Even if you aren’t on the verge of a divorce, you and your partner might be experiencing an inordinate amount of difficulty in communicating about your money, creating lots of fights and disharmony in the home.  When you think about it, this is an awful waste of time and affects your ability to enjoy life.  More...

One of the primary reasons for financial difficulties is that many couples do not have a shared vision and/or goals for their life, which will help guide how to spend their money in the short and long term.  Often, these goals are not discussed prior to marriage. 

Certain core values, and lifetime experiences, are directly linked to the way in which a individual views money:

* How it should be used and/or saved.
* Whether it is a good or bad thing to have a lot of money.
* Being rich vs. being poor and stigmas or labels that might be associated with either state.
* The effect that money has on humility vs. selfishness of an individual.
* The different priorities individuals establish with their savings.
* Varying lifestyles one chooses with the money they have.

When this isn’t discussed prior to marriage – there may be many conflicting core values among couples.  Sadly, these often aren’t uncovered until problems with finances begin to surface.  It requires extremely good problem solving skills for couples to work through these differences.

Our money habits are often influenced by our role models from our youth.  My family was very poor.  This can have a different effect on each person.  Some might spend the money as soon as they get it because they don’t want to experience the poor life again.  In my case, I save as much as I can because I have a strong need for security.

My husband grew up comfortably, but his parents spent whatever they had.  He didn’t grow up with a need to save, or a role model that taught savings.  When we met, he tended to spend money as we got it.  We came from very different backgrounds, and it took us a couple of years to sort through how we would handle our money.

We actually learned from each other, and both made some adjustments.  My husband helped me to learn how to cut myself a little slack and enjoy a treat now and then when we work hard for our money.  I taught him the value of saving, and as a result of developing a shared vision and goals, we were able to retire when I was 46 years old. 

We were fortunate to nip this problem in the bud very early and develop a plan that we both could live with.  As we drew closer and closer to our goals, we have become like “one” in the way we view and spend our money.  

Counseling for serious financial problems is available, and highly recommended. A third party who is objective and removed from the emotions of the situation can help a couple develop a series of problem solving tools. 

If you are absolutely stretched beyond your limits of being able to afford professional marriage counseling, find the closest Consumer Credit Counseling Services (CCCS).  It is free, and although the counselors are not trained in marital counseling, they are professionally trained credit counselors who are required to go through an extensive training and certification process prior to working with clients.  They can immediately help you start to gain control over both your spending problems and your debt.  In fact, seeking marital counseling in conjunction with working with CCCS would be an excellent way to address multiple family problems.

The following are steps that I would recommend to help you become more united in your financial planning.  This needs to be done without judging, blaming, becoming defensive, or arguing.  If any of these occur, have a contingent plan in place as to what you will do – take a break, go for a walk, watch a move – anything for a distraction.  Then come back to it with a resolve to really listen to each other.

Each person takes a notepad.  First, write (without discussion) 3-5 things that bother you about the way your partner handles your household’s financial situation. Secondly, write 3-5 things that you think your partner will say about you that bothers them with regard to your handling of the family finances.  Next, write 3-5 things that you could do to improve the situation and would commit to doing to help ease the financial burden in your relationship and household.

The next part is difficult.  Now it’s time to discuss what you wrote.  Flip a coin to see who goes first.  Listen attentively, without interrupting to what your partner has to say.  Divide the discussion into three parts, in the order you wrote your comments.  You’ll have to really watch yourselves in order not to blame, accuse, defend, or argue. Remember, you are *really* listening to your partner’s perception.  You can ask clarifying questions, but avoid being defensive.  Remember that there are always perceptions different than our own, even though we think ‘ours’ is the right one!

What you will probably discover is that there aren’t too many surprises.  When you have to write down the things that you think your partner is going to identify that bothers him or her, it is very likely that you already know.  This is where open, honest communication can help you to look for solutions together.

When you go to the third page, where you have come up with some solutions to help the situation – then you can start setting goals together.  Some ideas that I would recommend include:

* Create a spending plan.
* Track and review the spending plan and actual expenses regularly – more often at first, even if that requires every few days.
* Give yourselves an allowance that you can afford (we used to only take $20 a month each) but it will give you some independence that you won’t feel you have to account for.
* Start a savings plan, even if you start with a very small amount.  The best way to follow through on this is to set up an automatic savings withdrawal.
* Develop a plan for paying off your debt.  If debt is a problem, commit to stop using credit cards immediately. 
* Develop shared goals that are short term (1-2 years), intermediate (3-5 years), and long term (5 years and beyond).
* Build in rewards to celebrate successful milestones.  They don’t have to be expensive, but plan to reward your achievements in some way once or twice a month.

However, your ideas should be uniquely your own, depending on the financial challenges you are facing.  If one or both of you are spendaholics, you will want to create some very tangible plans for overcoming that habit.  If one cares more about savings than the other, then you will want to dig deeper to discover why that is.  If you can’t discuss finances without arguing, you will need to get professional counseling. 

Consider talking to people you know that model the behaviors you would like to emulate with your household finances and find out how they have done it successfully.  Read as much as you can on the topic.  BetterBudgeting.com is here to help provide ideas, tools, and inspiration to get going!  Take advantage of all resources you can get your hands on.  Share good books with your partner and study them together.  You can definitely smooth out a rocky financial relationship if the commitment and willingness are there!

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Copyright © 2006 by Karen Kuebler. All rights reserved.

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